Friday, December 12, 2008

Twilight, more like. . .Dumblight

So I finally saw it. I finally saw the Twilight movie last night. As an avid fan of the books, except for Breaking Dawn, that book can suck it (but that's another story), I was more than wary of seeing the movie. In fact, I haven't wanted to see this movie at all. But curiosity in humans is something that one just cannot avoid, therefore my poor husband (God bless him) and I went to sit through 2 hours of mediocrity.
Right away I knew I wasn't going to like this movie when Edward stutters talking to Bella the first time. Now, we are talking about a person who is 85 years old, is supposed to be strikingly beautiful and have all the confidence that his long years have provided him (so much so, that I have heard grown women admit that they are desperately in love with him, compare "real" men to him, and even devote "parties" to this teenage-fantasy. . .creepy). Believe me, Edward does not stutter. If he does, he is just another teenager, like the kids in my class, who are desperately bad at talking to the opposite sex.
And then of course, there is his hair. Luke Perry would be angered to know that Edward has stolen his Beverly Hillsesque hair-do and is using it to promote bad cinematic art. . oh wait, did Luke Perry ever star anything cinematically good? "Buffy?" . . no. "8 Seconds?" I never saw, but I'm going to guess no. And of course, for as much and as guilty as some us are for making 90210 a part of our weekly lives for many years, let's face it. Dylan and the gang don't exactly scream Shakespeare. Edward's hair could have starred in its own movie, it was so big.
Back to topic though. Edward and Bella's "love" story is about as believable as honesty in poltics. As believable as Amy Winehouse's sobriety. As believable as Cambrias having fun in the snow. . .you get the point. What Meyer would originally have her readers believe that Bella and Edward have a deep-seeded love for one another, enough that even grown women are engrossed with, is nothing but a pale and contrived mockery of the emotion itself. This movie couldn't have been worse if it had had song-and-dance numbers intermixed, and believe me, my husband made one up in the car, and it was bad.
To make matters worse, not only are Edward and Bella lack-lusterly in love five minutes after their laughable meeting, the make-up decisions made to depict the vampires, make this already bad script as comical as Edward's "I'm going to kill you, Bella" look. (He and Jasper look almost constipated through the first part of movie).

Here's the first quarter of the movie.

Bella: That's weird, those kids over there are so beautiful.
Audience: Don't you mean pale and creepy-looking?. . Is that flour on their faces?
Bella: That boy over there has stolen my heart already.
Audience: Um, Bella, he's glaring at you and has weird manicured eye-brows and strange, unnaturally pale skin.
Bella: He's different and an outsider, just like me!
Audience: Bella, you are like the most popular girl in school and have been in school for five seconds.
Bella: I love him! Even though he seems to despise me for no reason at all.
Audience: What?!

It was bad. Very bad indeed. The movie has sort of cured me (as well as Breaking Dawn, lousy, most-disappointing book EVER) of my Twilight obsessions, some although they were. I have even told students that next quarter, they cannot hand in any Twilight book reports. I haven't seen that sad a looks since Bella screamed at Edward from her hospital bed telling him she couldn't live without him since she had decided to make him her life since their meeting three days ago.

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